


Happy Meal

by al-the-remix (only_blue)



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Food Related Dirty Talk, M/M, PWP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:49:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28136472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_blue/pseuds/al-the-remix
Summary: It all started with an innocently placed comment while Zhenya had one hand down his pants and the other clutching his phone on Facetime.
Relationships: Sidney Crosby/Evgeni Malkin
Comments: 23
Kudos: 50





	Happy Meal

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to sevenfists for betaing and to the anon who sent me: "'Dick In The Box' but the box is a Happy Meal one 😏"

It all started with an innocently placed comment while Zhenya had one hand down his pants and the other clutching his phone on Facetime. He was being treated to the low angle of Sid’s face. Sid still hadn’t figured out how to hold his phone properly when they did this. So, while Zhenya could see Sid’s dick and the curve of his chest, every once in a while he got a screen full of nostrils.

Not that he minded.

“You’re a whole meal,” Zhenya panted out. He had one foot planted on the bed and his phone held at an angle so that Sid could see his abs and his dick in the best light possible because he wasn’t a boob. Zhenya picked up the pace of his hand.

“Do you want to eat me?” Sid was pink and his smile curled the edges of his lips till he looked like the embodiment of the :3 emoji.

Zhenya’s cock flexed in his grip. He felt like a horny gargoyle, hunched over his phone and jacking it to the staticky image of Sid on the screen. Sid’s nipples, which were normally soft like taffy, now were pinched into hard buds between his fingers. He threw his head from side to side, and touched himself, and was altogether maddening. Zhenya would be in Halifax soon and then _he_ could roll Sid’s nipples between his own fingers and get any part he wanted of him into his mouth.

“Show me your chicken nuggets,” Zhenya grunted, and Sid laughed.

“These?” Sid tilted the camera up so that Zhenya got a better view of his chest. “Or _these?_ ” he said and brought his hand down so the screen was filled with his undercarriage.

Zhenya came in his hand with his lip pinched between his teeth and had to wipe the splatters off his phone screen.

+

“Hey babe.” Sid’s voice crackled through the earpiece so Zhenya knew he had his phone on speaker in the car. Sid was no doubt coming home from spending his afternoon blowing the mind of some pimply teenager playing shinny at a local ice rink. Zhenya’s flight had gotten in late and he had barely been awake when Sid had left that morning. They had had some conversation Zhenya couldn’t remember now and he hoped he hadn’t agreed to anything that involved him leaving the house.

“I’m driving home from the arena, have you eaten lunch yet?”

Zhenya let out a sigh of relief. He’d picked through Sid’s fridge for leftovers but nothing had seemed appealing in the moment. “Can you get McDonald’s?” Sometimes Sid called it “McDick’s” and Zhenya didn’t know if that was a Maritimes thing or an American thing. Maybe it was a Sid thing and he was just always thinking about dick. Now Zhenya was.

“Yeah, what do you want?” Sid’s patchy voice broke Zhenya out of his dick-spell.

“Chicken nuggets.”

Sid snorted. “You want the Happy Meal?” His voice had a knowing edge to it. He was such an ass. Sid already knew what Zhenya liked to order off by heart and was leading him on, on purpose.

“Yes,” Zhenya said, refusing to take the bait. Look. Zhenya was an adult, and he knew they were meant for kids. But he liked the sweet and sour sauce and chicken nuggets were the best vehicle to get it into his mouth.

He used to always give the toys he got in the box to Seryozha’s girls when he went over for dinner. They were getting too old for that now, which made Zhenya strangely nostalgic in that moment. He’d just drop whatever toy was in there in the toybox for the player's kids at PPG when they got back to Pittsburgh.

“Remember the extra sauce.”

“Yeah, yeah I know. You’re gross,” Sid said fondly, knowing full well Zhenya was just going to eat it out of the container, possibly tongue first.

+

Sid always ordered the same thing: two Big Macs, a medium fry, and one of those blueberry pie things on the side. He refused to order soda as if that somehow made a difference after slam dunking that many calories.

Zhenya frowned at the small paper bag clutched in Sid’s hand when he came through the door.

“Where’s my food?”

“Here.” Sid handed him the box of nuggets and bag of fries with a handful of condiments. “I just told them to throw it in with mine.”

Zhenya eyed him suspiciously when Sid didn’t sit down on the couch with him to eat right away. Instead, he disappeared into the bathroom with his jacket still on and a pair of kitchen scissors. Zhenya chewed his food in rumination. That wasn’t a great sign.

Whatever Sid was doing in there took a few minutes, so Zhenya was scooping the leftover sauce out of the little plastic container and into his mouth with his finger because he wasn’t an animal, when Sid finally emerged from the bathroom. It was with a face full of barely restrained glee and his coat wrapped around his body like a cocoon. Zhenya’s mama had warned him about men in long jackets with that kind of expression on their faces. Zhenya’s suspicion only grew.

Sid opened his jacket flasher-style. “Guess what’s in the box.”

“No,” Zhenya said, staring at the Happy Meal box hanging out of Sid’s pants.

“Just guess. C’mon, _what’s in the box--_ ” Sid said in his best Brad Pitt impression, then cackled.

Zhenya hated that movie, it had given him nightmares. But Sid was like a dog with a bone. A _juvenile_ dog with a bone. Like every time Sid asked someone to pull his finger he’d laugh until his face turned blue. At some point, it was better just to indulge him in the name of long-term peace.

Zhenya undid the cardboard clasp of golden arches holding the box together. Lo and behold, there was Sid’s flaccid dick.

“Wow,” Zhenya said dryly.

“It’s a dick in a box,” Sid said, delighted, as if Zhenya hadn’t already guessed Sid had spent the last five minutes shoving his dick through a roughly cut hole in the bathroom. Zhenya had never felt so wooed. This was what he’d flown twelve hours for.

Zhenya smirked. “Disappointed Sid, you get me very, _very_ small present.” He watched Sid’s dick twitch at the critique and grabbed his own through the crotch of his jeans. “And I have big one for you. Russian XXL express shipping.”

“Hey now,” Sid drawled. “It’s the thought that counts.” But his dick only filled more. “Look, he’s got the chubbs for you!”

Zhenya regarded the greasy stains on the inside of the cardboard, ignoring Sid's hardening dick. There was a lonely fry sitting at the bottom. Zhenya plucked that out and ate it first, then set himself to the task of helping Sid pull the cardboard off his cock.

“Ow,” Sid complained when it caught on the head. He was hard enough now that it had escaped the confines of his foreskin.

"Baby," Zhenya scolded. Sid was the one who had decided it would be a good idea to shove his dick in there anyway. He could deal.

Zhenya sucked Sid’s salty dick through the fly of his jeans in the middle of the living room with the curtains open. Sid groaned and pressed his hand to the back of Zhenya’s neck, pushing him down farther until the slippery head bumped up against the back of his throat.

“Are you lovin’ it?” Sid asked like that was some kind of line.

He was breathing heavily already and Zhenya tightened his fingers around the base of Sid’s dick so he wouldn’t bust his nut too prematurely. Sid was great at embarrassing himself, it was like he relished it, but every once and a while Zhenya would be a big man and save him from himself.

Sid swore crudely above him and Zhenya reached up to shove a few of his fingers into Sid’s mouth. The position was awkward as hell but it did the job in shutting Sid up as Zhenya worked on sucking his dick hard enough to make Sid choke around Zhenya’s fingers.

He weaselled his hand down the back of Sid’s pants so that he could massage his spit-slick fingers roughly into Sid’s taint. Sid moaned around Zhenya’s fingers in his mouth, sucking at them. He didn’t seem to mind the sweet and sour sauce stuck under Zhenya's fingernails _now_. Sid's face was red like a cherry tomato that Zhenya could burst with just a graze of his teeth, and finally, just when he thought Sid might pass out--or bust his nuts _literally_ \--he let his grip around the base of Sid's cock go and Sid was coming ropes down the back of his throat.

Zhenya swallowed him down and wiped his face with a wad of thin paper napkins out of the bag.

"That was my special sauce, I was saving it just for you." Sid snickered, out of breath and yet still somehow full of hot air.

"Thanks," Zhenya said, and filched Sid's second burger off the coffee table to mask the taste of his load.

"Hey, that was mine."

"I just blow you," Zhenya said flatly.

"Fine." Sid zipped his pants back up and collapsed onto the sofa beside him. "I'll just get you to show me your chicken nuggets later." he said it with a leer, but then he rested his head on Zhenya’s shoulder, and Zhenya was flooded with that sense of long-familiar devotion. There wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for Sid, including flying internationally just to shoot the shit with Sid for a long weekend.

He turned the T.V. up and gave Sid half of his hamburger back.

Beside him, Sid contemplated it between his fingers for a long moment before he opened his mouth and asked: "If I bought a frosty would you stick your dick in it?"


End file.
